It’s a no-brainer that romantic relationships can be taxing. Especially when one has gone through a rough early childhood.
This is because our early relationships with our parents and guardians mold our expectations and beliefs about romance as we head into adulthood. By then, our personal attachment styles are fully formed, which affects our eventual romantic relationships.
A child can develop an avoidant attachment style when their caregivers display consistent unavailability or are unresponsive to their needs. As adults, they tend to be emotionally unavailable themselves, while displaying other traits, such as conflict avoidance, difficulty trusting others, and being hypervigilant to rejection.
If the description above is familiar, then it could be you or it could be your avoidant partner.
Communication is key in a relationship, but it gets extra challenging when one is avoidant. Go over the following characteristics to see if you’ve observed these in yourself or your partner:
Are you hesitant to emotionally rely on people? Do you often pride yourself on being self-reliant as you prefer your sweet solitude? As much as a dose of solitude is healthy, valuing autonomy so much that it gets difficult for you to express and recognize your emotions is detrimental, not just to you but to your loved ones, too.
You may notice that you keep your emotions at a distance because you fear being intimate. You do this to have armor to protect you from pain. For instance, you avoid confrontations about your feelings or having deep conversations because you’re uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
An avoidant partner can be too firm with their rules, which can make it difficult for them to prioritize relationships. You may observe at the start of the relationship that they tend to say they don’t want to give up their freedom for anything or they’re not the type to marry. They’re the picky type who mostly focuses on your faults instead of cherishing the bright side.
People with an avoidant attachment style find ways to be unavailable to you and they will always have a list of reasons prepared. This stems from their constant experiences of being dismissed or not being valued enough by their caregivers. With the wall they keep between themselves and others, they may find it difficult to be aware of their issues and their impact on their relationship.
Having an avoidant partner leaves one feeling unimportant, emotionally deprived, confused, and lonely, which makes a relationship imbalanced. While we can extend our patience and empathy to them, it is also right to require a balanced effort in effective communication which can lead to a more sustainable relationship. Try considering and applying the following terms:
Recognizing and understanding our needs helps us make informed decisions and set healthy boundaries. As much as you try to understand your partner’s unique traits, you can operate harmoniously when both of you express your concerns minus being critical of each other.
With a safe space, open communication flows naturally. However, try not to push too much for an avoidant partner to open up as it causes them to resist even more. Just guarantee them that their feelings are valid and your ears are always open for them.
You don’t enter into a relationship thinking you can change this certain person one day. You are not their paid therapist. With your encouragement and reassurance, it can only alleviate their sense of security but they need to learn how to manage themselves efficiently.
Let’s eradicate the stigma of seeking one, especially when difficulties continue to persist. A mental health counselor can be beneficial in helping you both understand your attachment styles, develop your approaches in the relationship, and strive for better well-being.
Having an avoidant partner doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed to go down the drain. There IS hope! With awareness, comprehension, and the right capacity, a person with an avoidant attachment style can heal and cultivate a healthier and more secure personality.
